Hale Kilinahe: The Journal

July 16, 1999 I've been thinking about going back to Tower. Now, when I was there, I hated every solitary second of it and counted the minutes to quitting time. I had to work; there was absolutely no way around it. I fantasized about being a 24-hour mom; it seemed like the most perfect scenario in the world. Now, I am a full-time mom, and it is wonderful, but there are a few things about working that I miss. Yet, I hear every single day from one person or another that my ability to stay home is a gift and that kids are so much better off with their moms. I love my daughter. She is the reason that I do anything that I do, so you can imagine that this desire to work and leave her with a bunch of strangers causes a great deal of conflict within me. In a couple of small ways, day care might benefit her, but ultimately, I'm being selfish. I want to go back to work for the things it can give me. So here is my list of pros and cons: Pros: Human contact! The satisfaction of having things to do and doing them well May make me a better wife/mother Being around music and film No longer having the feeling that I'm not pulling my weight Daycare for K means more kids to socialize with I could lose weight Can you say free movies? In the (unlikely) event that I manage to save a little money, can save toward school* Will certainly force K to wean; and therefore, sleep through the night Will somehow make me feel like a normal human being and restore my confidence My free time will become more precious and meaningful I did this before when I had to with little or no trauma; now that I don't have to, it won't seem so hard Cons: They say that one stay-at-home parent is best Won't have any monetary gain; all earned goes toward child-care Boss Lady isn't easy to get along with Like it or not, work will be a distraction from my family The general public is stupid and annoying May miss out on some of K's development I might miss staying home once I've been there a while *On the other hand, I may end up there for the rest of my life I'll have guilt about Katie and will obsess about if it's really okay to work, especially when I don't have to I get the feeling Ryan really doesn't want this I was going to potty train K next month; that will get sidetracked All the silliness and politics at Tower (the second reason I left in the first place) The big plate of crow I'll have to eat I might not even get my job back. The Big Boss may not want to hire me back. Then all of this will have been for nothing. If I don't, I'm not going to look for another one until I have to. I hate doing things for nothing. Believe it or not, I really want to go back. It sounds crazy; I don't have to work, but I want to. It has nothing to do with money (obviously, since nearly every cent will go to day care). I will just feel better. I'll work my ass off from eight to five instead of waiting for Ryan to come home. No matter what, Boss Lady needs a merchandiser and when I talked to The Big Boss' assistant, today, she said that nobody had asked for it (how wise of them!), so nobody's going to beat me out; they just have to be up to having me back. She seemed to be keen on the idea. < BACK | TOP | NEXT >