Hale Kilinahe: The Journal

JANUARY 1, 1998 Thank God it's over. 1997 is gone. It was a very bad year. I'm hoping that it was just one big nightmare that went away at midnight. We went to temple last night for our blessing and it felt so good when it was over. Ryan went full out Japanese this year, starting with a housecleaning on the 30th, complete with new omamori hanging in the car and one of those tangerine-and-mochi tower things on the TV. Hey, anything that gives you peace of mind. It was the first time I'd ever gone to church for New Year's before. It was interesting. I got hit with a big book. I chanted. Everyone and his brother had illegal aerial fireworks. As we drove through Kalihi on the way to church, there was so much gunpowder smoke that it looked really eerie, like driving into a fog. I'm a mainland haole, so there are things about Hawaii I'll never understand, one of them being the local fascination with fireworks. We don't do anything like this on the mainland. Even packs of rogue families with sparklers are only here and there. Otherwise, it's so organized, even on the fourth of July, that after being here, it's downright boring. But why play with fire that way? We took pictures with Del yesterday before church. We haven't had nice pictures taken of us as a couple in a long time. We definitely haven't had any since the wedding. With the photo collage frame that we got from Ryan's mom, we want to put together an assortment of pictures from throughout the years. I want the last one to be Kat's first birthday. Meanwhile, the fatigue is becoming constant. My journal entries are becoming more and more spaced out because when I get home, I just want to drop. I feel like an old bag. And I'm getting huger and huger by the day. I feel like I'm going to pop any minute. My boss is on vacation. Yet another thing to be thankful for. I've been so worried about things lately. I just wonder how we're going to make it. When I stress, I grind my teeth, and at this rate, I won't have any teeth left when the baby comes. All of it is just so overwhelming. And the hell of it is, Ryan's way more positive and optimistic than me. He's so excited and I just feel a sense of impending doom. Most of the time. Sometimes I'm happy and excited, too. It makes me feel like a bad mother to worry so much and even that worries me. < BACK | TOP | NEXT >