Hale Kilinahe: The Journal

JANUARY 20, 1998 We've been so lucky. We've gotten baby stuff up the wazoo when I thought we'd have to seriously economize. My work friend Gracie bought me this big-ass layette set and everybody at work pitched in and gave me a hundred bucks. Why am I so scared? It's somehow always worked out for me before, no matter what. I've always managed to get by, but now, it seems so overwhelming. I can't shake this panicky feeling. It's so close now. The main thing is money. How do we pay bills, eat, afford Ryan's tuition and take care of a baby all at the same time? How can I take care of a baby, period, when I get twitchy just being around an infant? I'm still eighteen in a sizable portion of my psyche. I'm only a semi-grownup and I wonder if maybe I should put off motherhood until I'm a full grownup. Dr. B said that I'm on the road to dilating when I saw him today and that made matters entirely worse. It's that much closer now. All the support we've gotten is so great, but what do we do when we're on our own? We have to be on our own someday and I can't even imagine ever being ready to handle all of this ourselves. I would never trade this chance to have a child, but still I wonder what I could improve about myself and my situation if I just put it off a little while. I never want my child to think I regret having her, though, and I feel so guilty just thinking these things, like it makes me a bad mother or something. < BACK | TOP | NEXT >