Hale Kilinahe: The Journal

MARCH 21, 1998 Every day, I observe or think something that blows me over, but I never write these things down when I think of them. I wish I had a magic tape recorder that recorded all my thoughts and emotions. I also wish I could have fully appreciated Katie's newborn days. I was so scared and ambivalent about motherhood when she was first born that I didn't realize what a miracle she was. All the things I feared about motherhood never came true; I've slept way more than should be allowed for new parents; she hardly cries; and she's thriving. I often wonder when my luck will run out. But I've always been a pessimist. She slept through the night last night. I'm such a worrywart that I can't even appreciate the eight hours of uninterrupted sleep for what it is. But what a treat, huh? A two-month-old who sleeps through the night. Whatta concept. She smiles so often. Her biggest smiles are reserved for when Ryan and I are acting goofy. She loves baths so much that we give her one every day now. And she's outgrown a lot of her newborn clothes. I don't know why, but that almost breaks my heart. I don't want her to grow up. I kind of like it the way it is now. I'll miss her so much when I have to go back to work. I miss adult conversation, but not enough to give up the ability to hug and play with her whenever I want. I really am in the midst of baby rapture. When she's alert and I'm playing and singing to her, I truly can't get enough of her. It's so strange. I was pregnant for nine months, and all that time, I just sort of went through my days being pregnant and fantasized about my baby once or twice a day, and when it was almost over, I didn't really realize that it was almost over and on the other side, I'd be a mom. The last days came and went before I even knew what was going on. There wasn't a nice wrap-up and resolution. One day I was huge, the next day, I wasn't. < BACK | TOP | NEXT >