Hale Kilinahe: The Journal

MAY 17, 1998 Twelve more hours until I have to go back to work. Ick. I hate that I haven't finished school and I have to work at this stupid retail job. Most of all, I feel guilty that I have to leave her. Ryan is staying with her, but I still feel she needs her mommy. It's a choice, I suppose. Does Katie see her mommy 24-7, or do we eat? I'm supposed to cherish every moment of my child's life, but how can I when I trudge out of the Icebox just an hour before Kate goes to sleep for the night? Damn. Actually, I'm happy in a way to be going back, and that makes me feel the most guilty. I can't reconcile my need for human contact with my desire to be a kick-ass mom. I'm really afraid I'll stop being the person obsessed my baby's well-being and become lazy, content to let Daddy take care of the details. For Mother's Day, I got an exquisite gold locket from Ryan. I have Katie's picture in it. It's a teeny little picture from the proofs from the baby announcement company. Sometimes when I look at pictures from her first few weeks I can hardly believe she's the same baby. She was so, so tiny and fragile, especially when she was sick. Now she's not very fragile at all. I want to be a chef. I always did, since I was little. For weeks, I've been trying to figure out how I'll achieve this dream. All important chefs travel to Europe, and I'm willing to take my family and go. I'm that sure I want to do this. < BACK | TOP | NEXT >