Hale Kilinahe: The Journal

JUNE 11, 1998 Writing this journal is often like having a baby. Sometimes it's painful, but in that sense that it's pain with a purpose. I actually do have a lot to say, but I'm not as inclined to share everything as my husband is. I consider myself a very private person. I feel funny talking about myself in such a matter-of-fact way. Why do I keep a journal, then, you might ask. Part of it is my husband's nagging. He feels that it's important for me to put down my feelings in words. I've had very strange dreams recently. For the last couple of weeks, my dreams have been inexplicable and bizzare, but seemingly bursting with meaning. This followed a period of very bad dreams. I really thought something was wrong with me for a while, the dreams were so bad. They stopped coming and the strange ones started coming. A few nights ago, I dreamed that I was in a local department store. A man was selling a rare, expensive perfume made from a some kind of exotic flower. Only a limited number of bottles of this stuff were made. A huge crowd was gathered around this man, listening to him explain why they should invest in this perfume. When he was finished, he said he had only one bottle to sell and asked if anyone wanted it. All of the people shrieked and waved their hands like children. It occurred to me that I wanted it, so I meekly raised my hand. He pointed at me and said he was going to sell it to me. But I realized that I didn't have any money; I only had my mother-in-law's credit card. I wondered if she would be mad if I used her card to buy such a luxury, but the man was already putting my perfume in a bag. So I took out the card and signed her name on the slip. I then decided that I would just tell her that I used her card by mistake; I meant to use mine, but hers was in the place where mine usually is. Last night in one of my dreams, Ryan and I were in a restaurant. The menu had dinner items on it, but in with the dinner items on the same page were a bunch of dessert-type things, sort of like the way some people sometimes have ice cream for dinner if nothing else appeals to them. I found a sweet item that I really wanted and I decided to get it. When the waitress came, I couldn't remember what it was called and I couldn't find it on the menu again, so I hemmed and hawed, trying to find it. I saw mu-shu pork and another thing that sounded Chinese. I asked the waitress what the other thing had in it and she smiled and said it was Chinese. Finally I gave up and decided on lamb chops. The lamb chops came, and they were delicious. I ate ravenously, like I hadn't eaten in a year. I looked up, and my brother was there beside me. He said he was sorry he was late, but he was watching a movie and got really involved in it. So I went back to work. For about two weeks. I had some time left over, so I decided to just take it. Ryan found it harder than he anticipated, and I missed Kate so, so much. I hated being away from her. After four months of doing nothing but being a mommy, it was hard to adjust to just doing the same old job that I did way back in the dark ages when I was pregnant and didn't have other stuff on my mind. I still have to go back in July. < BACK | TOP | NEXT >