Hale Kilinahe: Pith of Pop: The Pacifier

2005. Walt disney Pictures. Directed by Adam Shankman. Starring Vin Diesel, Lauren Graham, Faith Ford and Brad Garrett.

This is a kid's movie. It's not Apocalypse Now and Vin Diesel is not Marlon Brando. It's silly. It's useless to compare this movie to, say, The Fast and the Furious (which I love). As far as kids' movies go, The Pacifier is actually very cute. It's got some action and is just shy of nauseatingly sweet. Still, you might not want to pop it in the DVD player on a lazy Sunday for your 7-year-old.

number of minutes Vin appears in a spandex wetsuit: 6

There are a few odd thematic elements that are not quite appropriate for kids. They won't understand them anyway, but if you can avoid having to answer a bunch of difficult questions, you may as well.

Diesel plays a highly-decorated Navy guy. A kidnapped scientist dies under his watch and he is assigned to protect the guy's wife and kids from unknown forces who are after something hidden in the guy's house.

Predictably, the guy's kids are brats. He has five of them; two are teens. We are told that one is a chronic hooky-player and the other may be running with a bad crowd. Oh, yeah. They have a pet duck that bites.

number of minutes Vin appears in a Navy uniform: 2

Navy dude has to whip the five unruly children into shape in order to function. He seems pretty tightly-wound. Of course, we find out what a big softie he actually is and along with that comes some eye-rolling dialogue. Again, though, it is a kid's movie, so it really doesn't matter, yet it's easy to see that Diesel is uncomfortable with some of it. He looks like he's laughing on the inside as he delivers his lines, so it's hard not to want to laugh out loud with him, and sometimes the laughter comes at moments that were not designed to be funny.

Brad Garrett plays a sadistic vice-principal. His talents are so wasted on that awful sitcom he's on. He'd be a great villain in an action movie. He can somehow summon a completely deranged look in his eye on command.

number of times Vin utters the word "boobs": 1

We find out a thing or two about the kids. There's one reveal that is surprisingly well-done. And the identity of the evil-doers was a bit of a surprise.

number of times Vin appears shirtless: 1