I'm breaking up with you. Why? This. You were my all-time favorite pretend movie-star boyfriend. I've spent hours trying to convince anyone who would listen that XXX is actually a brilliant parody. I sat through Saving Private Ryan for you. And you know why? You're the perfect combination of hard-ass tough guy and big, loveable dork. The best part is, you're kind of a secret. You're still at the stage in your career where some people might not know who you are, and some of those who do know who you are might not undertstand your appeal. So being a fan is kind of like being in a club. Not now, though. This cutesy-poo family comedy crap is going to make you a STAH. Just like Ahhhhhnold. And I hate Arnold. I would rather see you marry a nice girl, vow never to make another film, have twelve kids, and utterly disappear than see you turn into someone like him. I hope you understand. xoxo, jen p.s.oh. who am I kidding? I'll be there opening weekend. Who loves ya, baby?

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